"What do you want for your birthday?” The Lovely Question That Can Stop Us in Our Tracks

My birthday is coming up soon and every year in the run up, I get asked “So, what do you want for your birthday?”. A lovely question intended to give me something I want. It should be such a simple question. But it rarely feels that way, and can quickly spiral into a much bigger question. What do I want? And why don't I know?

In fact, for many of us, “What do you want?” is a question that can bring up an uncomfortable mix of blankness, pressure and even dread. And not just on our birthdays.

For years I put it down to indecision, but the more personal development work I've done, I realise that it's not and that it's more about conditioning. When you’ve spent years tuning into what others need, anticipating, accommodating, supporting, it can be disorienting to be asked what you want. Especially if you've never had the chance to really practice answering that question, let alone putting things into action to get whatever it might be that you may possibly want.

For some people, the idea of desire has always been framed as selfish. Or extravagant. Or unrealistic. And so we can get very good at not wanting. Or, at least, not voicing it. Until one day, you're faced with the question, and you realise that you can choose what you want. Maybe that’s because your circumstances have shifted or because you give yourself permission to, and while it might be exciting to choose what you want, it can also feel strangely overwhelming. There’s a kind of weight that comes with being free to choose.

But the good news is, it’s something you can learn to do, gently, over time. It's just a new skill, or a new language, just one you haven't been taught yet.

As a coach, and in particular as a certified Ikigai coach, I help people who feel stuck, unsure, or overwhelmed start to make sense of what matters to them.

Ikigai isn’t about one grand purpose. It’s about exploring what lights you up, and how that can take shape in your life, whether that's through work, through creativity, through contribution and joy.

One of the first tools I often use is a Passion Timeline a simple activity that helps you connect the dots between what you’ve loved over the years and what that might be pointing toward now. They may be things that you think about in the back of your mind for "when the time is right" or they may be from a time when you didn't have to make decisions in the context of anyone else, and you just need a bit of help remembering those things and that time.

Because sometimes clarity doesn’t come all at once. Sometimes it shows up slowly, like breadcrumbs. Or constellations. And all you need to do is start noticing.

So if the question “What do you want?” fills you with dread, or has ever made you feel stuck or small, please don't feel that you're alone. Maybe the first thing you want is to know what you want. And that's a great start.

If you're interested in trying the Passion Timeline activity, please get in touch and I will send you a free copy.